Last Sunday was international women's day and it's only appropriate I write this post as a follow up to a day in which draws attention to the empowerment of women. As women we seem to be more predisposed to certain attributes (speaking generally of course) such as compassion, empathy and maternal instincts. There are obviously biological reasons for this. Historically we were the primary caregivers. We birthed children and without mothers infants would not survive. Over time this changed to more societal expectations rather than biological needs. Women not being allowed or accepted in the workforce and remaining at home to care for not only the children but their husbands as well (and lets face it even the modern working woman seems to take on this role still). There are complexities in our image which women are not only expected to put forth, but we ourselves accept as norms. We must be kind, but strong. Loved, but independent. Successful, yet humble and modest. Be a boss! (but do NOT be bossy). I would highly recommend watching Cynthia Nixons ‘Be a Lady, they said’ video for more reference to this idea which I will link here.
So after thinking about those contradictory expectations I ask you this. When was the last time you said sorry? Was it apologising to your partner or someone close to you because, yeah ok...you fucked up. OR was it to a stranger who bumped into YOU on the street?
I was made aware of the word ‘sorry’ maybe about a year ago by one of my friends. she brought up the concept that women are more likely to apologise in order to either avoid conflict, or to seem more approachable/ kind. As soon as I heard this I thought about all the times I run into people on the street and immediately apologise, whether its bumping into someone's bag in the supermarket or brushing past someone on the bus. Either way my own immediate response is to apologise. But I do it when people bump into me. What? Why? I've done nothing wrong. They are the one who should be apologising.
This idea of women being more prone to automatic apologies is one that stems from not wanting to seem like a bitch. You don't want a stranger to perceive you as a rude, so better to just apologise for something you didn't do right? But what does this say about me? That I'd rather take the blame for something that wasn't my fault rather than be perceived by someone I'VE NEVER MET as rude? God forbid am I right? Girls are brought up with these conflicting messages discussed earlier and a huge focus on empathy but instead of creating strong kind hearted women, these strategies could be hindering the boss ass bitches we were born to be. I dare you to look up ‘women and sorry’ on google. I did and lemme tell ya there's a LOT of writing on it discussing everything from boys and girls in adolescence and how apologising affects women in power and creates contradictory leaders.
And if you don't believe lil ol’ me, then take it from the author of “Hey Ladies, Stop Apologizing and Other Career Mistakes Women Make,” Maja Jovanovic. She also has a Ph.D and is a sociology professor at McMaster University. “We know intuitively that women apologize more than men, but now we actually have the research to back it up,”. This is based on a University of Waterloo, Canada study which showed that women generally apologize more often because ‘they have a lower threshold than men for what they consider offensive’ (read the full article bellow).
So after becoming aware of this I have tried to hold back my sorry’s. They are important after all, I don't want to throw them away to just ANYONE. So after this week I want to set a challenge. Pay attention to when you say sorry and why you say it. Is it because your boyfriend pissed you off and somehow you ended up apologising for being a bitch? Did someone bump you in the supermarket? Or did you run into a mannequin (cause we’ve all accidently thought they were real people... right?). Once you become aware of how much you say sorry, you start owning your life and decisions better. I'm no longer apologising for successes in my life because I'm scared to make others feel bad. I may still be working on not apologising for my own thoughts and feelings and saying sorry to people who bump into me at super markets but I’ll get there and so will you.